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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Letting Go

I woke up this morning, for the 1st time since he was born, without my son. At 6:30 every morning he comes to my side of the bed and either climbs in and snuggles or wakes me up with that adorable little voice of his. This morning I lie awake in bed with a pit in my stomach, knowing he's not coming into my room.

My sister-in-law and her husband have been bugging me all summer long to let him sleep over their house. He has NEVER slept away from home without me, I mean he is only 4. But he really was excited of the prospect of sleeping out, so with a heavy heart and much trepidation, I agreed.

He had the day planned from activities to meals and I knew he deserved 100% of someone's attention, which since the addition of Camryn I can't give to him very often. As I packed his overnight bag, the reality of it hit me hard. I wasn't going to be the one to read him books, sing him lullabyes or kiss him goodnight. I honestly did not want him to go.

I was indeed being selfish. There was no reason on my end that he should go. I didn't have plans that required a babysitter. I was going to be home being a mom, except half of my offspring was going to be missing. What would I do without Dylan to dictate the activities?

I was going to focus on Camryn and have some girl time. Give her 100% of my attention, which she never gets either. But I found myself struggling to interact on an 15 month old's level. She usually just plays with whatever Dylan and I are playing with. My attempt at girly activities like painting her toenails was a little premature. Baby toys weren't holding her interest or mine for that matter. Bathtime, which usually occupies 20-30 minutes, lasted 5 because she just kept standing up. With no one to play with, the tub was boring for her. Storytime proved to be a disaster. While I tried to read her books, she was pulling all the other books off the shelf. Dylan's absence was the elephant in the room. I sung her to sleep holding her tight, grateful that she was still too little for sleepovers.

As I await Dylan's return, I realize how hard it is to let go. They are little for such a short time. The breakaway is inevitable and when the time is right I'll embrace it. Hoping that along the way I've instilled all the right tools for them to soar. But in the words of Darius Rucker, "It won't be like this for long" and I intend to cherish every minute.

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